


You Try So Hard To Remember What It Feels Like To Be Alive

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-23
Updated: 2009-04-23
Packaged: 2019-01-19 19:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12417000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: "It's the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." ~ Jodi Picoult





	You Try So Hard To Remember What It Feels Like To Be Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**A/N:** This could also be called "The Last Three Times Lily Said Goodbye To Someone She Loved (And the One Time She Didn't)". You should also know that this has not been beta-read, so let me know if you see anything that needs to be fixed.

**You Try So Hard To Remember What It Feels Like To Be Alive** _  
"It's the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you."_

*

**  
Severus Snape**

It's the last time you see him and sometimes you wish you hadn't.

When he pushes up his sleeve and you see the Dark Mark on his forearm, you want to be surprised. You'd give anything to be taken back by the very thought of Severus being something other than a good man, a man with honorable intentions and a heart that isn't black. _(And even with that black heart, you still love the parts of him that care about more than death and destruction.)_

His expression is gentle when he reaches out and touches your hand, but instinct sets in and you pull it out of his grasp. "What's happened to you, Severus?" you hiss. The hurt in his eyes almost makes you regret your harsh tone, but he crosses his arms angrily and snarls, "What's happened to me? What's happen to _you_? Spending time with that Potter" _(he spits out the name like a filthy word)_ "and his fan club! After all that he's done to me, you hang off of his arm like a trophy!"

You hope your hand across his cheek leaves a dark mark of its own.

\---

**  
Remus Lupin**

Remus kisses your hand before he walks out of the house, the echo of a smile lingering on his face. He shuts the door quietly behind him and it's the last time you see him. He was going on a mission for the order, his last one before the full moon.

He promised that he'd check in once he got back, maybe even stay for dinner and catch up on anything he'd missed while he was away. After all, so many things changed in the blink of an eye. People were held captive, tortured, and killed every single day. And just the thought of all the things the people you love could be subjected to found a place to live -- at the very front of your mind every time one of your friends left on a mission, every time you looked at the obituaries in the Daily Prophet, every time you entered Headquarters and there was one less person there than there was the last time.

So you pray that night, to a higher power you aren't sure exists, that you would all make it just one more day.

_Keep a close eye on Remus._ _He's the only one I can't watch over tonight and you should know that none of us will be able to make it through the rest of this war without him._ You don't say the words out loud for fear of making it feel too real.

\---

**  
Sirius Black**

The three of you are sitting in the living room talking about Quidditch. Sirius and James are debating whether or not Harry will take after James and play Seeker or inherit your lack of flying skills when Dumbledore's face appears in the fire, asking Sirius to go to Headquarters as soon as possible. _It's urgent,_ he says.

Everything happens so fast now. James half-hugs his best friend and Sirius promises to update you both on what's going on as soon as he can. You try your best to keep the tears from falling when he turns to face you. _(It's gotten to the point where you cry every time he leaves. "This time could be the last time" is your reasoning for it.)_

"Be careful," you tell him softly as he leans in, wrapping his arms around your waist and smiling into your hair. You feel him breathe in your scent and your heart beats a little bit faster, unwilling to accept that this could be his way of saying goodbye to you.

"Aren't I always?" he replies innocently and you smile up at him. _(You both know it doesn't quite reach your eyes.)_ With a quick wave and a wink, he disappears. Your stomach is twisted in knots and you lean into James's chest with Harry settled into the crook of your arm. Your eyes don't leave the door for what seem like hours, as if when you look away it'll make the absence of his voice, of his smell, of _him_ more final than it already is.

\---

**  
James Potter**

"He's here! Get Harry, get Harry and get out!" he yells as you start up the stairs. There's a panic in his voice that you've never heard before and for a split second, you think about pausing to kiss him one last time. But you push the thought out of your mind as quickly as it enters. _No one is dying tonight,_ you tell yourself. _You're all going to be fine. You'll be able to hold him off until the Order can get here._

A million thoughts race through your mind as you take the stairs two at a time. _Where is Sirius? Or Dumbledore? How did Voldemort know where to find you?_ The wind is knocked out of your lungs when you find the answer. _Peter._ We trusted him with their lives and it backfired. James had wanted to make himself the Secret Keeper. And then changed his mind to Sirius and then to Remus. It was you who suggested Peter, the one she thought Voldemort would look to last. Knowing James would deny it if he could, you can't help but think that this was _all your fault_.

You hear the door blast open as you reach the nursery. Your hands grip the rails of the crib as you press a kiss to your son's forehead and turn toward the door, readying yourself for a fight without a wand. Then you notice that the world is silent and something inside of you dies on the spot. There are no screams or shouts echoing off of the walls. You try to keep your focus on how you'll keep your son safe, but you know that even if you miraculously make it out alive, James was _gone_ and he was never coming back.


End file.
